I am going to

write something later. :=)

It probably seems like this blog isn’t very important to me. I don’t update, I make random posts then disappear for a long time, etc. The truth is, this blog is extremely important to me. It’s so important that I often find myself wandering this way, then removing myself as far as I can from my words. I delete and erase, then compromise by making drafts I never publish.

I guess I’m a little scared.

Bear with me, ok? I know it gets really old coming back to a blog and not seeing any new posts, but I *promise* you that, if you’re still interested, I am going to get back into my groove.

On a separate note and just as a heads up: I’m going to trek back over some of my past (some is good and some of it is downright ugly, some is embarrassing and some makes me pretty proud) and I will keep you updated on the now (I can’t complain! Life is far from perfect, but it’s good). I don’t always use linear time-lines or clear-cut-to-the-point stories. Sometimes I do, but other times (as some of you know) I jump around, use strange analogies, and often click “publish” with a mental prayer that my readers can sort out what the hell it is I am trying to say. ;=P

Anyway, I’m just in the mood to say “hey, I am still here” and I still have A LOT to say.

I’ve been beating around the bush far too long. Like I said, I think most of it was just being too scared to say what I really want to say. But you know what? I remember so clearly the happiness and excitement I felt when I started this blog. I remember the hope and joy, and yes ..the days that weren’t so good, too. But it was all OK because I had this new outlet and I was going to write and tell my story and post random crap about my day and just be me! Yeah… Ummm…. I didn’t exactly do that. BUT!! Like I said, I remember the excitement and all, and I want IT. I want this blog so much. I want to vent and rant and rave and cry and laugh and share and pout and smile and make you all happy and sad and mad at me! ;-P

I’ve done some really GOOD things in my life, I’ve done stupid shit, too. I’ve shared my life with the good, the bad, the ugly, a mixture of all those and some really good people, too … some truly beautiful souls (and some didn’t know just how beautiful they were/are or how deeply they have affected me. too bad. wish I could change that.)

Maybe there isn’t one single person out there who really cares about reading what I have to write, but there might be. And even if there isn’t, I am dying to just SAY what I need to say and write and keep this blog going and not worry about how and who and when and where and whatever. Damn, I miss my own nonsense, lol.

I’ll be back

xo

 

Cry Baby

That’s me!

It would be easy to say “it’s the holiday blues”, but that’s not really it. I think it’s just coincidental that a lot of good and a lot of not-so-good things happened to me around the holidays.

I’m not blue … more like light blue.

I read a post on another blog today, and my god I’d love to plagiarize her right now, lol.  (I’m not gonna!  )

She was talking about that one person that you never get over … and the way she wrote it, the way she expressed it to her mother and her mother’s response was so spot on, I can’t say it any better. So while I promise I won’t plagiarize, I will summarize:

Some people/things aren’t meant to be gotten over … that’s pretty much what she said. Oh, and that we just learn to deal with the hurt.

And it’s true.

That’s all I have to say about that <for now>.

—————————

I’m planning another trip. I assed around too long and now I suppose the UK is out of the question (too cold? too lonely?) , so I’m thinking about the Yucatan Peninsula. I have to decide like now. I’ve got to go and get back by the end of January. I keep messing around and changing my mind.  I could wait for some last minute deals (and that will be the excuse I use when  I wait until the last minute ;p ), but really I’m just making sure I’m going to be in the right place. I wish something would happen to help me decide.  I’ve been wishing that for a long time.

Hmmm. And I guess that’s all I can say about that right now.

ps: new contact email address for this blog is on the contact page

 

Well, Hello

I was in my sister’s bed tossing a bit, coming off the tail end of a sister/sister chat  (nice) and feeling pretty sleepy yet somewhat restless when it hit me– I want to blog. No: I need to blog. I sneak out of bed and into the chilly office … Mom’s house; i love it here. (Is it no surprise this, of all places, this is where the need hits me? No, no surprise at all)

I started this blog for so many reasons, and it turned out to be a great outlet, then I gave up. I felt too hurt to move on, too stunned to know how to express myself without whining. I didn’t know where to go with my words.

Well, here I am again.  And? I still don’t know what the hell I am doing.

Things are quite different for me now. I have an “ex”.  I have moved … twice (settled in now in a great place).  I “insert thing here”. I’ll tell you about it one day. A lot has happened. Meh … it’s all just life and stuff.

This blog was started out of love. Love for someone else, love for writing, love for myself. And it’s that love that brings me back. It’s all of those loves.  the only constant in all those things is me. Just about everyone else has moved on or I have moved on from them. Someone  disappeared, leaving a great hole which  I cannot seem to fill.  It hurts.  That is the thing that brought me to right here and now and all the places in between. It brought me this blog, too.

Almost one year ago I started this blog. I could have waited and started writing again on the anniversary of something. But why wait? I couldn’t sleep for wanting to write. Something in me wanted to do this again. There is nothing big here, nothing profound… just me  in satin pajamas and my step-father’s too-big robe, a little misty-eyed but not melancholy; just me and the quiet and words that won’t come out. So even though there is nothing big here, nothing profound, I wrote. I moved my feet and moved my fingers.

I miss.

I miss a lot things.

Maybe I can start over here, like settling down in a new town with old friends.

Break out the cheese-ball … yeah, I’m feeling a little happy/sad.

I miss.

I miss so much.

One year ago was a big time for me. It literally changed my life. This blog …even the name hurts… and makes me smile, too.

How can I let this blog go, dry up, dust in the wind … as if it never was. I can’t. I can’t do it with this blog, I can’t do it with many things.

So…

Hello, old friend. I think I’ll be seeing more of you, even if I’m not quite sure what we’re going to talk about.

ps–  I kept some of my old posts private b/c they were that way before I made the entire blog private.  They’re actually some of the happier ones from happy times …. I want to put them back and  I will …it’s just time for bed now.

 

Dear Machine Hogging Guy At The Gym …

Stop!

Do your set then get the hell off.  Go to another machine and come back. Do you really need to hog two machines at once?

No one wants to watch you flex in the mirror while your sweat pools up in the seat of the leg press machine.

Please don’t slam the weights and then grunt and slap each other and say “Yeah!!!”

Come on… really?

I’ve seen you lower the plates to a lesser weight when your buddy walks away.

And when you do manage to max out the plates on a machine, take the frigging weights off when  you’re finished!  I can’t help it if your buddy isn’t around to “help” you. See, I can’t lift that much either. ;p

A-hole.

 

Oh wow …

I had the BEST day today.

:=D

Perfect timing.  Perfect.  :=D

Yay!!!  

 

WHY WHY WHY WHY????

:=(   I’m *still* missing someone.

Remember that last line? You were!!!!!!! You were!!!!!!!

*sigh*

This is just a frustrated rant.  I’ve got so many emotions that keep surprising me. I don’t even know where they’re coming from. Lack of closure? A bruised ego? Something that was real to me and I feel like I got screwed? All of those … something else. I don’t know.

Right now, I just want to scream. I feel completely raw. I feel all these months of  “WTF” pouring out and I can’t keep it in. I didn’t want to let it out here, but here it comes.

Things are going great. I’ve got the world at my fingertips; I’ve got a life and I love it.

But… I just can’t clear my head of a “what if” and a WHYYYYYY???

Just when I think it’s finished, those feelings creep back up on me.  :/

rhetorical since this person no longer reads my blog:

WHY did you do that to me?  WHY did you HURT me?

Don’t you even care that I have a heart and you hurt it?  Did I ever mean ANYTHING to you?

Why do I go through each day just fine and then thoughts of YOU hit me out of the blue, right in my chest, a ton of bricks  … and I still CRY over you.  You fucking disappeared on me with no word, no explanation, nothing …  and the sad, messed up part is I LOVED YOU and would have done anything to help you.

I just never knew what that was.  All you had to do was tell me … tell me you hated me, you didn’t love me, you DID love me but stopped, you DID love me but didn’t want to be with me, couldn’t, whatever it was … or that you never did and it was all a lie.

I will never have closure on this.

It’s right there, inside of me and outside of me. You. You. YOU.

I *hate* that I can’t let go and you did so easily. I *hate* that I loved you with all my heart and you never gave a shit about me. I *hate* that I never got to JUST BE with you and talk and sit and read and laugh … I *hate* that a part of me knows it was real for me and it wasn’t for you.

And beyond all the hate that I am once again heaping upon myself, there is that part of my heart that still loves, that is still caring and open and raw and giving and FORgiving … thank god. Thank god I can still feel anything.

I’m not even mad at you. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand WHYYYYYYY.

All I want to do is understand.

I think of you every single day and wonder about you, if you’re ok, WHY you lied to and about me … and why you made me believe in LOVE again and then took it all away.

I loved you.

You were the best delusion I ever had.

 

Be back up soon … random, random ….

I’m almost back ! How exciting ;P

It might be today IF I can get to it — I hope I can! 

Today…

I’m cleaning and folding and making my room SO pretty

AND I am *rocking* out to:

http://www.punkradiocast.com/

Oooh, and my new hair color= awesome!!!! 

Now that I have my space in my HUGE ROOM and I can be comfortable while I work, I can get back to my regularly scheduled programs and….  Oooh, oooh!! I have NEWS!!

Are you seeing a pattern of “ooohs?  ;P   Yeah.  Me, too.

What?

Oh

ps — I haven’t approved any of the new comments because you can’t see them anyway. But I am thinking about all of you.   ((hugs))  I’ve been so busy with things, I’ve neglected my blog and my email. Other than Saturday (I had plans that day. It was fun. Lots!   ) this is the first full day I’ve had off in forever! I’ve been bussssyyyyyyyy.

Sorry, sweeties … I’m almost *there*.

 

Admin Message:

All Time Love is undergoing some maintenance and will be back up very soon. :=)

 

I learned two lessons today …

Lesson #1 :  Delivering two, non-contact roundhouse kicks to my roommate’s head is fun. He didn’t think I could kick that high. I proved him wrong, lol.

Lesson #2:  I shouldn’t do it wearing jeans and flip-flops. This can result in slipping on hardwood floors and landing on one’s ass. Which it did. The second time around.

My first one was good. My second one was fail, like this one.

(My first try was successful …just so you know.   )

Yes, he laughed at me (as he should have) … but he also helped me up off the floor as I was laughing at myself. Hehe.

 

Excuse me, ma’am, you dropped your meme …

I grabbed this meme from a link over at The Daily Meme DOT com. A big thanks to Friday Fill-Ins over at Blog Spot for sharing. :=) Feel free to grab this and fill in the blanks yourself. My parts are bold. :=)

I was going to post about a clothing crisis I had earlier, but this is much more fun, hehe.

1. If we had no winter, then Snuggies would be a moot point.

2. The size of my roommate’s forehead is a perpetual astonishment. (It’s ok. He agrees, therefore I can say that without getting into trouble. Plus he will never read this. Probably. If he tried, his forehead would block his view. )

3. If I had my life to live over, I’d warn people. Yep, she’s coming back. RUN! And I’d bring Chuck Norris with me as my twin. He can do “things”.

4. I’ve oohed and ahhhed over those sexy red shoes a thousand times inside of four and twenty hours. They shall be mine, and I shall post a picture. Prepare to drool.

5. If you’ve never been thrilled, then you’ve obviously never had white cheddar popcorn.

6. To be interested in the changing seasons is to weather the storms they bring. Hehe.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to sleeping, tomorrow my plans include drinking and Sunday, I want to sleep off my drinking! (Ok, I doubt I’ll drink anything, but for some reason I am craving tequila. This is dangerous and could create drunk dialing and massive regret. I think I’ll stick to pink lemonade and some interesting “teas”. ha. )